Good Friday
March 5, 2005
It’s Good Friday of this year’s Holy week and I haven’t yet done anything good or holy for this matter. Am I a bad Roman Catholic? I believe in God, I don’t put His Name in shame, I don’t steal, I haven’t killed anybody, I don’t have a husband yet to exempt me from committing adultery. But how often do I not observed the Sabbath Day and disobeys frequently the 4th commandment in the catholic faith to honor and respect thy mother and father. Who completely does anyway? Not even Jesus in his life of 33 years once hurt his mother Mama Mary by denying her as his mother. At some point in my life I have questioned his existence, His authority, His love, and the idea of sacrificing his son is an absolute hoax thinking that everything and every ideas that surround God’s existence is only a pigments of man’s imagination reflected by their weaknesses to face all the challenges and all their fears. And that God is created out of necessity to be blamed about things that mortal man could not explain.
I think that every child, every confused and wondering child have own series of questions starting from who is God, what is He or She and ends with a question of how God’s Divinity could be proved. Some even asks how many Gods are there but the church, school and in addition to my parent has thought me that there is only One God but they failed to explain and they failed to answer the question Where is He.
Do I even have the right to generalize and say, “Every child”? For in my ignorance and self-deceiving questions, this generalization is illogical and that I am the only one or that only few have queries like this. I could never really pinpoint the exact moment I started to doubt God and His immeasurable mercy. Do you even know that when I put entries on my diary or journal I always start a salutation of “Dear God”? I always talk to God and built a personal relationship with Him and thought that it was strong enough that nothing could break it.. and so I always though until I just woke up with a loosing faith and the relationship I built or the bond I made with Him along with the promise to lay all my concerns to Him had vanished.
What have resulted from turning my back on Him? By believing my reasons and not having faith? Nothing – nothing good. It resulted to a lost feeling, extreme loneliness, depression, self-pity, dilemma and resentment. In time, I have managed to fight and yet again established a stronger and more intimate relationship with God with a firmer faith. And for the fear of eternal damnation and the anticipation of eternal life, is it heaven or hell? Afraid of both, afraid I will not go to heaven and afraid to gnash my teeth in the cold or burn in hell.
It’s Good Friday today, the death of Jesus will once again remind us to repent and ask for forgiveness,
God has already forgiven me, I know.
He HAD by giving YOU to me.. I love You.
Sheena
(a love letter I wrote for him and HIM 3 years ago) :D
No comments:
Post a Comment