April Fool's

I’m sorry we came too early in the middle of your way.

I may not remember if I really have the intention from the very beginning to tag along with you or purely just an “accident” that we were both forced to face. Maybe yes, I wanted this but not this soon. I may have considered this as a vision but surely, not in the top of my A-List priority.

I know you feel you are being deprived of things that supposedly will make you happier instead of restraining yourself from doing because you already have a responsibility or in a much heavier term – obligation – up your shoulders.

I have come to accept this circumstance. I have put my defenses down just to be contented with what the fate had course upon me. I have set my mind that this is not a mistake, but something I should be grateful no matter what. But things change.

In the short span of months I already feel like I’m a loser. I wanted to fight and to hold still but to no avail, change is nowhere. The shitty insulted feeling I have in me now makes me want to move on and face all of this by myself. You often ask what’s on my mind or what I am thinking in that moment, truthfully, I am thinking to stand on my own and live alone.

There are always thoughts coming that I don’t need you anymore but I know you will just laugh pointing at my actions of demanding too much from you. But hell, not! You are not making me feel that I am not in the position, even in consolation, of demanding more of your attention or demanding less of your rudeness, tantrums and hate.

I really don’t feel I’m overreacting or too emotional for that matter. I want you to understand that I have faced this situation too early I was not even prepared or ready about it. Please don’t just assume that this entire situation is okay with me or that I don’t have a problem with this. You never asked me, you just concluded that what I am about to get myself into is the place I really wanted to go.

But please don’t think that I don’t like what had happened to me. To tell you the truth, the moment I have seen and confirmed it, the very first reaction I made was to smile sincerely. I was grateful and felt the excitement over clouding through my feelings. The same excitement, which I hope you will also feel but you failed to show or that I missed to see in your action and hear in your words.

Although I don’t imply that you are not a good partner but I really don’t get where it lacks understanding or consideration.

I am just afraid, I hope you will recognize the fears and worries I keep inside me before I go to sleep and right after I woke up. See, it is not just about me that I worry. Can’t you understand the phase I am going through? This situation caught me off-guard unprepared. It had left me no choice or enough time to get myself composed and secured.

I am not open to any resolution or compromise because I send this point down with my self-esteem. I won’t admit that what I am about to do if things don’t go my way is just a case of too much paranoia that clouds against good judgment and fair decision.