Friday the 13th – Deja Vu

My Life With You According To Me

June 13, 2006

You have been in my thoughts a lot lately, especially my thoughts about us hanging to this wavering relationship and have come within a hair breath of calling it quits. But then we are trying to patch things up and yet hope that ours would eventually end as a lifetime partnership. Why? Would you still be proud of me as we progress along? Does the quality you like about me are the qualities that you really admire? Maybe at 25 you seem mature and fixed on your choices but still, what you like right now would be superseded by your choices tomorrow.

Anyways, I’ve been living in hell with God for the past two years of my life. This is a flattery believe me, as masochist as I am, this statement is optimism. It is hell to admit to a more pessimist outlook but things really change a lot with you. I’m learning, but you are only you – vulnerable to irritation and sensitive to criticism. Am I living a life base on my incapabilities? Am I always seeing right through your incapacities as well? Somehow I have known your shortcomings, failures and frustrations. Frustrations that includes me. I can be never be your source of inspiration. I’d like to think that I was always your disgust when things go down for you. What I really fear is my attitude. The impression you have. Is this really me? Maybe I’m materialistic, I probably overrated our relationship and running after responsibilities is what really matters to me.

Conventional life? Yes, maybe I am too sentimental that I appreciate the angst, deep-seated emotions of our relationship and believe that is important to think I have a use. Unconventional life? My life as a walking contradiction that’s why I am always inconsistent.

Is this really the attitude that would stick with me for a long time? I duped myself into believing that being fawned over being stable career-wise would make this relationship firmer without realizing that my constant nagging and complaining, though my intentions are good, have almost destroyed us.

Have I never given you the acceptance you needed? Have I never been contented?

All relationship has blind spots, which often fails to see the situation clearly. Contentment and acceptance are my blind spots that I keep on struggling with. I always compelled you to change. My very temperament continues to push myself into that direction.

It is really frustrating that there we have come embittered and petty in dealing with each other. Yes, we talk. If there are misunderstanding and indirect messages, talking won’t do good plus we get used to using phrases and unaware of how offensive it becomes. Continued discussions merely leads to a more tedious argument, which pushes is both up the wall. If only we could teach ourselves to know exactly cross the real message of the words we say and that we know in return the exact meaning of the words we hear.

Do we have only had a thin chance that is clouded with shallowness and frustrations and only bitterness would only be left.

And really, “life can become an adventure with the right companion or a heavy burden with a wrong one”